im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
