In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Even my vagina gasped.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
