when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
