Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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