Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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