I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
