I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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