Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
