I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
