I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
