My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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