PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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