Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
