Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
