Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
