My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
