i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
