over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
