a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
