So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
