You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
