I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
