If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
