I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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