she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
