well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
