why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
