I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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