Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
be right there i have to get my cape
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
