Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
