forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
