Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
