New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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