I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
