according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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