I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
