He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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