I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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