our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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