just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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