Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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