hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
