omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
