I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
