I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
