yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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