I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
