Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
