I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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