Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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