i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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