How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
