I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
